My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
