and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
