I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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