Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
