Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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