Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
