I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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