I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
