That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
