So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
