I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
