One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
