I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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