I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
