TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
