Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
