Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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