I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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