What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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