mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
