I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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