Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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