Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
