apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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