You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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