Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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