one might say we're banned from that church
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
