So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
