how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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