I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
