Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
