He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
These tits shall not be calmed
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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