Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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