Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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