I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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