update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
