my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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