i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
