i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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