Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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