I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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