Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
