Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
