i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
