I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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