I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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