i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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