i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
