My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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