why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
