My cat gives me a boner
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
