I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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