I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We left an ass print on the piano.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I fill condoms, not promises.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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