i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
