was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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