I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
