I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
