birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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